Hermana Heywood

Kaitlynn in the Chile Puerto Montt Mission

Evening Call with You (Puerto Montt), July 13, 2026

July 13, 2026 · Puerto Montt

Mom and I talked with you for about fifty-six minutes this evening, our second call of the day and a long, serious one. You opened by telling us that you and Hermana Figueredo had just had a hard, direct conversation in which she told you that you were not trying to love her for who she is.

Hermana Figueredo's confrontation

You said she had just had a really serious talk with you and told you that you were not trying and needed to love her for who she is. You said she had heard from many people about "Hermana Heywood" and how awesome she is, but told you, "I don't know where that Hermana Heywood is." You described the trigger: that day you had been with a member who is "crazy firm," and your instinct had been to leave her alone with him, as you had done a couple of times before. You said that had felt fine to you but was apparently wrong, and that you should have tried to be more part of things and shown interest in getting to know the member. You said her point was that you are not trying hard enough to love her for who she is, and that looking at it, you thought it was true.

Naming what is happening: fear and shutting down

You said you are terrified of her and would love it if she were less direct, that the directness terrifies you and you do not feel comfortable around her. You said you thought you had been trying, just in the wrong ways, and did not even want to claim you had been trying because it felt like a justification. Mom asked how much you had been shutting down. You said you have felt more like a child in this companionship than in any other, specifically like a "snarky teenager." You said that every time she does or says anything it feels like an attack, and that even when you try not to believe that, it comes out as a snarky or sarcastic remark; with everyone else on the mission you can act like an adult, but with her you act like "a spoiled, bratty little teenager." You said you now knew the reason was that you do not love her for who she is, but you did not know how to do that.

I asked whether she meant you were trying to love a different version of her, loving her where she could be rather than where she is. Mom asked whether it was simply that you do not like her. You said you just do not like her and find it hard to be around her, and that she always compares your warmth toward Hermana Stewart with how you shut down when she walks in the room. Mom observed that you had hurt her feelings. You said she had been crying and told you that at this point she is just tired and the only reason she is still going is her love for the Savior.

First responses: serve her, compliment her, change your thoughts

I asked whether you had tried serving her. You said she is already messy and knows you love cleaning, so cleaning up after her might come across as calling her an annoyance. Mom suggested writing her a sincere compliment every day, something good you genuinely see in her. I said everything starts as a thought, so change your thoughts and then your actions. You said you had been trying to change your thoughts for two weeks with a goal to be grateful, and that when you have a mean thought you try to replace it with something you like about her, but it does not work: you manage one or two good thoughts and they get overpowered by the bad ones. I said the exercise has to include realizing you are just as imperfect as anyone else, and that for me the practical move is to quietly do something the other person would normally do, without their needing to know, as an exercise; serving that way makes you feel closer, and praying to see her as the Lord sees her helps.

Mom's concrete ideas: breakfast, and letting her share and lead

Mom asked whether you had had any thoughts of things you could do. You said she loves breakfast; Mom and I said then make her breakfast every day without expecting anything. You added that she loves sharing things and you always tell her no, usually because it is food and you are not hungry. I said that in refusing, you are denying her the blessing of sharing, and Mom suggested you eat less so there is room to accept when she offers. Mom then asked what else you shut her down on. You said the way she works. Mom asked whether there is something wrong with the way she works or whether it is just different; you admitted it is just different. Mom recounted telling Kathy the night before how valuable it is that people get two different mission presidents and see two very different ways of doing things, neither wrong, and suggested you let her have these last four weeks her own way. I agreed that was a way to serve her: stop getting in the way, be enthusiastic, and choose to be happy with someone else's idea.

Responding versus reacting, and being vulnerable

I said the friction seems to come from your way of doing or seeing things versus hers, and that the best way to learn to love is to stop fighting it. I talked about something I am working on myself: responding rather than reacting, and understanding why I get upset, since anger and frustration are second emotions rather than first ones. I encouraged you to figure out exactly what you do not like and then be open and vulnerable about it rather than putting up a wall, saying something like, "Okay, I'll do this. This is really hard for me," and showing positivity in doing something unfamiliar, because that is how a person grows. I said to make the determination not to react, to ask yourself why you feel an emotion when it rises, and to choose to be happy.

You noted that she had listed the things she does: she has tried to get to know your family and the members who love you. You said talking to Latino families gives you a lot of anxiety and asked whether you really have to get to know her family and do all of those things. Mom affirmed those were nice things she did, and asked, without telling you what to do, what the consequence would be if you put a limit on yourself; and whether getting to know her family, seeing where she came from and understanding her better, might change how you feel about her. You agreed it might make you closer to her.

The apology model and the charity verses

I said people are more willing to be forgiving when someone comes to them in sincerity. I modeled an approach: telling her something like, "I realize I probably haven't been the easiest person to live with, and I really want to be better. What can I do?", offering compliments such as recognizing how she has worked to know your family, and asking whether it would help if you tried harder to know her family. I said that when people know they are loved, it bridges the surface-level gaps, and that sincere, humble effort changes things. If it does not, keep praying, working, and serving without expecting thanks, because the person who is changing is you, not her.

I then recited the charity passage from Moroni 7, that charity suffereth long and is kind, envieth not, is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, rejoiceth in truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, endureth all things, and that "charity is the pure love of Christ" that endures forever. You said, "Those are all the things I need." I connected it to Moroni 7:47-48, telling you to think about how Christ has worked with you and your flaws, and to pray to the Father "with all the energy of your heart that he be filled with his love," then work as though everything depends on Heavenly Father and everything depends on you.

Fear cast out by love

Mom told you not to let fear ruin this relationship and make the end of your mission so much less than it could be, because that was what she was hearing: you are afraid to do the things that fall hard to you and are letting that keep you from what you need to do. You asked how to get over the fear of getting out of your comfort zone. I pointed to 1 John 4:18, "perfect love casteth out all fear," and shared my own experience in the bishopric of being afraid to talk to someone until I looked at that person with love, at which point the anxiety left because I was no longer thinking about myself. I cited 1 John 4:19, that "we love him because he loved us first," and said the love that comes from the Father and Jesus is unconditional, that they love us because we are us. I said the way not to be afraid is love: to see people as they are, see how God sees them, and pray until you can.

You asked me to send you all the scriptures, and I agreed.

Apologize, be vulnerable, and follow the greatest Follower

Mom suggested you tell her you are sorry, want to do better, are scared of some things and do not know how to do others, and ask her to help and be patient. I said the best way to move someone from defensiveness is to be vulnerable and admit you are trying and want to be better, minimizing your own weaknesses. Mom said being vulnerable does not make you less, it makes you more. She added a point from the MTC devotional Natalie had that day: they had asked who was the greatest leader ever to live on the earth (Jesus) and who was the greatest follower (also Jesus), so it does not make you less to follow her and let her lead; it does not have to be your way.

Drilling down to the root: pride and worth

I walked you through an exercise of drilling down one level at a time. Asked what thoughts and impressions you had had, you said you had been thinking a lot about sharing and about not doing enough or trying hard enough to get out of your comfort zone. I kept asking why: you said because you are scared; scared of her; because she is direct and it feels like there is no love. Mom asked whether you truly believe there is no love or whether it only feels that way. I asked why the directness scares you; you said because of your pride, because you do not want to be wrong, because being wrong hurts your pride and makes you feel you have less worth. Mom asked whether your worth is really based on being right all the time; you said no. I said that identifying this from root to surface is what lets you express it, and modeled saying to another person, "I have a problem with my self-worth; when I feel like people are direct with me, I feel like I have to put up walls," so that vulnerability can bridge the gap to understanding and compassion. I suggested that before going to bed that night you express to her the sincere things you love about her and not go to sleep feeling there is something between you.

Working through emotions when it is not a Monday evening

You asked how to reach by yourself the point we had just reached together. I said I am forty-eight and still learning, that the first step is identifying the emotion through an emotional inventory (what are you feeling, why do you feel that way), then helping yourself understand it the way you help others recognize truth and the Spirit, and drilling down because anger is not the first emotion. I described my own lifelong work on responding rather than reacting and working through an emotion with an intentional message rather than impatience. Asked how you can do this when it is not a Monday evening call, Mom said she gets a lot of help from journaling her emotions, and, when there is no time, from talking to Heavenly Father in the shower, in the bathroom, on her knees, and in the car.

I said you can only change yourself, not anyone else; that in your private moments you can pray through why you are feeling a certain way and drill down to the root; that the next time you feel something you should stop, recognize it, not give in to it, ask whether it is how you want to be, and give it to Heavenly Father, a step at a time. I said the only real happiness comes from being true to what you know is true, that violating that truth makes a person unhappy and angry because the Spirit testifies of truth, and that pride blocks the Spirit; letting go of pride and opening up lets the Spirit come.

Closing

Mom told you not to let fear or pride keep you from relationships, growth, and blessings. I suggested asking Heavenly Father not that you could love more, but that you could see God's love for her and recognize it; to pray for her by name and ask to see her as God sees her; and said fear and love can be present at the same time, and that a hard time is a blessing because Heavenly Father lets us go through hard things while he is with us so we grow. The plan for that night was for you to pray first, then follow the Spirit and apologize to her, being humble and vulnerable, remembering you can only change yourself. We ended with "you got this," "proud of you," and love-yous.

Cleanup Notes